Since coming back home last night I have only made it because I’m completely drugged up on my prn.
I’ve been using my prn for the first time in a long time. I stopped using them for many reasons but now I am finding everything so hard that the drugs are taking the edge off. I hate to fact that I feel really quite reliant on my meds again now. My PRN is promethazine and lorazepam. The promethazine is an anti-histamine but the side effect is drowsiness. I have seen quite a few people on it recently.
I don’t want to be reliant on my prn but I want to be at home. If I wasn’t feeling so drugged up right now i would be completely freaking.
I’m so indecisive right now.
I seriously can’t seem to make any decisions at the moment. I can’t seem to think at all really. Last night I ended up back in hospital for the night, so this afternoon I saw my doctor. He was asking my questions and things and everything he asked I just didn’t know the answers. Its like I just couldn’t reach the answers.
I’m feeling really quite ambivalent as well. I think that is why I just can’t make any decisions. Every thought and argument for and against dilemma’s that I have are so strong that I just can’t think about it properly.
Why is life so fucking difficult for me?
Everybody else seems to just get o with it. Things affect them but people just get on with it. The smallest of things are the things that make my life hell. I still get stuck in the past, even though the present is so much better. I just want to be normal but I am fucking up everybody around me at the moment and I can’t seem to stop. That’s why I can’t help but think that so many people would be better without me.
