Since coming back home last night I have only made it because I’m completely drugged up on my prn.
I’ve been using my prn for the first time in a long time. I stopped using them for many reasons but now I am finding everything so hard that the drugs are taking the edge off. I hate to fact that I feel really quite reliant on my meds again now. My PRN is promethazine and lorazepam. The promethazine is an anti-histamine but the side effect is drowsiness. I have seen quite a few people on it recently.
I don’t want to be reliant on my prn but I want to be at home. If I wasn’t feeling so drugged up right now i would be completely freaking.
I’m so indecisive right now.
I seriously can’t seem to make any decisions at the moment. I can’t seem to think at all really. Last night I ended up back in hospital for the night, so this afternoon I saw my doctor. He was asking my questions and things and everything he asked I just didn’t know the answers. Its like I just couldn’t reach the answers.
I’m feeling really quite ambivalent as well. I think that is why I just can’t make any decisions. Every thought and argument for and against dilemma’s that I have are so strong that I just can’t think about it properly.
Why is life so fucking difficult for me?
Everybody else seems to just get o with it. Things affect them but people just get on with it. The smallest of things are the things that make my life hell. I still get stuck in the past, even though the present is so much better. I just want to be normal but I am fucking up everybody around me at the moment and I can’t seem to stop. That’s why I can’t help but think that so many people would be better without me.
Either I forgot what it was like being normal or I have always felt like this because I don’t remember when or why things changed.
I’m really stuggling, I think I might actually stay tomorrow night at the hospital by choice. I know its better that then being sectioned again.
For the first time in a long time I am finding myself really considering the consiquences of me killing myself. It was my sisters birthday today and I think that makes me think. She needs me to be OK, and I think I have done really well today. I’m just finding it so hard right now.
I have a number for the hospital that I can call to speak to staff but I don’t know what I would say and if I did say anything to them when I phone they will probably freak and call my parents to tell them I am struggling. I don’t want that. I really don’t want that.
I just want peace again. When I’m in hospital the oppertunity is so limited to do something and now I just think that unless I just spend one night there I’m not going to make it through the weekend. Deep down I want to be able to fight the impulses that haunt me every step I take. I’m tired, I’m going to loose it again. My dad wants to go to see my nanny and grandad, and right now I just feel so much responsibility. I guess that me being in hospital for one night is better than a ong admition or death to my family.
