This is getting to strong right now. Its my sisters birthday tomorrow and that is all that is stopping me. I can’t do that to her, I can’t leave her with memories of me running away the night before her birthday and killing myself. I have to get through tonight and tomorrow for her and that makes me think more about looking for crisis support. This is different, usually I would be out the door but I can’t. I can’t do it to my sister and its making this so much more complicated.
I’m not meant to be here. I’m not supposed to be anywhere. I got so close which makes it worse. Everybody is freaking out and all I wanted to do was die, all I want to do is die. Instead I have to go back to pretending everything is fine. I think people know that my mental health WILL kill me. They just can’t admit it to themselves. I can’t be here anymore, I don’t know how I’m doing it now. What happens once I’ve got myself discharged and I no longer have a reason to act like everything is brilliant, what happens when the impulses become unmanageable again.
So when your in hospital and working towards discharge you get home leave. I did day leave and now I’m on overnight leave. Its really hard. I just want to run away but I don’t want to fuck up this shit. I don’t want to get stuck in hospital for longer than I have to.
I’m actually really shocked that they wouldn’t let me out before. I nearly died and was on an intubator and everything so it was really serious but its pissing me off that its only after I decided to attempt suicide again that they take me seriously. I don’t even want to be taken seriously anymore.
I have been so good since I got there. I won’t lie, I have been so close to hanging myself and I have made various ligatures that I have hidden in my cupboard at the unit. I have managed not to though, somehow. I can only hold on to my marbles until sunday. No joke, if they don’t let me out by then I WILL SNAP.
Just got an opportunity to go online so I thought I would update my tumblr. I’m sure that soon I will be back home and regularly posting. The hospital I’m at is horrid, I am desperate to get out. I feel rubbish. I nearly died because of what I did and then they stopped it, they saved me. I didn’t want to be saved.
I’m going to be out in a week, I have to be. I can’t stay any longer than that. Don’t unfollow, my posts will be back and running asap.